Each day is different. Some days are great in that the pain is down usually around a 3 to 5 on the pain scale. Other days no matter what I do the pain remains high at about 5 to 9. There is no reason for it as my medications remain the same. Why? This is the one of the questions that plague me. I am learning to deal with so many things, but the one big thing is letting go of the why and learning to live in the now. This is beyond difficult.
Some days it feels like God is gone and has left me. He hates me. He not only took the use of my legs, but has allowed me to continue to hurt at levels that are unbearable at times. I have become isolated from those around me as their lives cannot accommodate someone like me who is slow moving and unreliable because the pain. My only communication with “friends” is often via things like Facebook or Instagram. It is a lonely place to be. The reality is people don’t just want to sit around watching TV, playing a game or talking with someone who is hurting because we are not fun to be around. Besides their lives don’t have time for people like us who are in constant pain and disabled.
Learning to let all of that go and see the “bright side” is not easy. Realizing that God is still there and He really does love us seems like a dream. For me, deep down I know that God is real and He loves me. The enemy loves to sneak in and make me doubt everything. So often questions like, can my family still love me the same? How can I still be whole? How can I take care of my family as I can barely take care of myself? Each day seems to bring new questions and doubt. It sucks. It doesn’t help when the people you love are constantly telling you things like- Pick up you feet, bend your knees, don’t bend over and pick things up. As for me, I already know my body doesn’t work right I really don’t need to be reminded constantly.
So how do I let is all go? I don’t know at this point. Each day all I can do is pray constantly and do my best to move forward. With God’s help it is my hope that I will find a purpose for my life and I can learn to let all of this go accepting what is happening to me.
Having lost the feeling in my legs and living in pain made the thought of dancing seem impossible. My husband and I attended a Halloween party over the weekend. I was just excited and happy to be there as last year I was in the hospital recovering from one of the multiple surgeries.
As I sat next to my husband watching people come into the party dresses as various characters, I turned to find an old childhood friend. She recognized me immediately, we talked and made me smile and laugh. She vowed to get me up to dance. My fear that I was going to be unable to do so set in. How could I dance being that I walk with a walker and I can only feel my left leg? At least my pain level was fairly low at a 5.
I stood next to my husband near the seating area and moved a bit to the beat of the music. Oh, how I missed dancing and moving. After all, I was a dancer most of my life performing in various places over the years. It has been one of my the biggest losses. Loosing the use of my legs, not being able to feel or move is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. The thought of not being able to stand cheek to cheek with my husband and move slowly to the music help bring my spirit down.
Standing and moving felt amazing. It was a bit scary, but invigorating at the same time. My pain level remained low at about a 5. My friend came over and signaled, “Let’s go.” So I followed her with my walker out onto the dance floor. I began to move to the music. It felt great. I had to keep looking at my feet as without looking at them my brain has no idea where my feet are in space and I will fall over. I held on to my walker and began to move my feet and body. It was an amazing feeling. I never thought I was going to be able to do this again. But yet again, God blessed me with a special gift.
For the brief moment in time I felt great. My pain was low, my legs held me up and moved to the beat. I smiled and felt alive. I will cherish this moment as I don’t get many of them. So thankful for my blessing. Lord, thank you for all you give me. I still struggle from day to day as my pain fluctuates. I only hope that as I continue to go to physical therapy that my legs with get stronger and work better. I hope that I will move from a walker to a cane. That I may regain some mobility and self-worth. I hope that my pain level will drop so that I can enjoy more of my life. For now all I know for sure is that God continues to be with me and watch over me. He continues to help heal me. For this I am blessed.