O Lord, what a variety of things you have made! In wisdom you have made them all. The earth is full of your creatures. Psalm 104:24
Each one of us is a unique creature of God that was created to enjoy all that God has made. We all play a part in this world, but we cannot reap the benefits of what God has given us if we don’t know our own value and significance. I was reminded of this recently when I attempted to throw away a pile of rocks I found in my car and one of my granddaughters yelled, “Stop, those rocks are special. I found them when I was taking a walk with my mom.”
My grandchildren ages 5, 7, and 9 love to collect rocks. Each one is different and has a story. I find these rocks of various sizes and colors in places around the house and car like on the kitchen counters, on my washer or dryer, on the coffee table, under the seats in the car, in the back-cup holder, and various other places. Each child can tell me a story about where the rock was found and what they were doing when they discovered the rock (s). These white, brown and grey ordinary insignificant rocks were beautiful and valuable because of the special memories they created.
It made me wonder if I do a good job of letting those around me know how much I value our time together. Do I make them feel important (significant)? Do I remind them and tell them? How often do I tell them;
You make me laugh and happy!
I enjoy out time together.
I believe in you!
You are important to me.
I love you.
Each day we are given another opportunity to enjoy all God has given us. Another opportunity to keep moving forward, but for this to happen we must first take the time and notice its significance.We will never regret taking the time to spend with our loved ones, but we might regret wasted moments looking at our phones or sleeping the day away. My grandchildren could have walked by and ignored the ordinary rocks. Instead they saw the beauty and significance in each rock they collected. The rock(s) helped form a special memory, which gave them meaning. How can we do this for our family and friends? Our lives are often busy and rushed, but I urge you to take some time to make sure those around you know that they are significant (important).
There are so many old saying that pop in and out of my head almost on a daily basis. Things like “treat others the way you want to be treated” or “remember you never know what the other person may be going through”, or my favorite “Love one another as I have loved you.” As I navigate life with the added pain of being disabled, it is appalling that people have to be so nasty to each other instead of showing each other love and compassion. Don’t get me wrong there are still some very kind people out there, but lately I have had my fill of mean people.
Recently on one of my ventures out, I pulled into the handicapped parking that was available. Before I could get out of the car an elderly couple approached the car and told me that I needed to move. “You’re young and can walk, this is for people who need it. People like you who take their parent’s car and then park close because they are to lazy to walk are disgusting.” I proceeded to open my car door, get out and side step to the back door and retrieved my walker. The look on their faces was priceless. No apology they just stomped off. I don’t think they would have been to happy if I treated them the way they had just treated me.
This was not the first time I encounter this type of behavior. I have been honked at as I am crossing the street because I am going to slow. While in the grocery store people get annoyed when I am moving to slow as I walk behind the basket. As they have passed me I have gotten comments like, “It’s about time” or “If your going to be that slow use an electric cart.” That is not showing love or compassion for one another.
It really is upsetting and sad that people cannot treat each other with a little bit of compassion. When you see someone struggling to open a door into a business,why not stop and help them instead of continuing to play on your phone? or When you are at busy food establishment and you see someone with a walker or crutches why not make sure they have a place to sit while they wait? Things that are so simple seem to be difficult for people these days.
Where has all the compassion and love gone? I am not sure, but I know the only thing I can control is me and my behavior. So for me I choose to do my best to be compassionate and loving to others. Maybe by continuing to show positive actions others will be reminded and begin to join in. Loving your neighbor and being compassionate towards others may be just what this crazy world needs to get back on track.
Each day is different. Some days are great in that the pain is down usually around a 3 to 5 on the pain scale. Other days no matter what I do the pain remains high at about 5 to 9. There is no reason for it as my medications remain the same. Why? This is the one of the questions that plague me. I am learning to deal with so many things, but the one big thing is letting go of the why and learning to live in the now. This is beyond difficult.
Some days it feels like God is gone and has left me. He hates me. He not only took the use of my legs, but has allowed me to continue to hurt at levels that are unbearable at times. I have become isolated from those around me as their lives cannot accommodate someone like me who is slow moving and unreliable because the pain. My only communication with “friends” is often via things like Facebook or Instagram. It is a lonely place to be. The reality is people don’t just want to sit around watching TV, playing a game or talking with someone who is hurting because we are not fun to be around. Besides their lives don’t have time for people like us who are in constant pain and disabled.
Learning to let all of that go and see the “bright side” is not easy. Realizing that God is still there and He really does love us seems like a dream. For me, deep down I know that God is real and He loves me. The enemy loves to sneak in and make me doubt everything. So often questions like, can my family still love me the same? How can I still be whole? How can I take care of my family as I can barely take care of myself? Each day seems to bring new questions and doubt. It sucks. It doesn’t help when the people you love are constantly telling you things like- Pick up you feet, bend your knees, don’t bend over and pick things up. As for me, I already know my body doesn’t work right I really don’t need to be reminded constantly.
So how do I let is all go? I don’t know at this point. Each day all I can do is pray constantly and do my best to move forward. With God’s help it is my hope that I will find a purpose for my life and I can learn to let all of this go accepting what is happening to me.
As I continued to hope that the pain would get better, I realized that wasn’t going to happen. Because of the pain I had to miss yet another outing. I did not get a chance to go out trick-or-treating with my 11 yr old daughter and husband, but instead I stayed home with our 15-year-old and his friend who were handing out candy.
My pain remained fairly high at about a 7 most of the evening regardless of how much medication I was able to take. Of course I have to be very careful, as the potential to over-dose is high so there are times that I have to just deal with the pain. Even so, my heart ached to have to miss yet another outing, but at the same time I was thankful. Because I hurt I got to stay home and hear the laughter joy that was coming out of the other room.
Our son and his friend were playing video games, eating pizza, joking, and laughing. Sounds that I wish we heard more often. You see, our son often is isolated in his room programming his computer, playing computer games, or listening to/playing music. He is the typical teenager. He does come out and join us for family game night and movies occasionally.
But in the midst of pain, God has blessed me yet again. Instead of just sitting around watching TV and hurting, I was able to be a part of this special moment of laughter and fun. As they both ate pizza and came in for seconds they were pushing each other and making jokes. Listening to them bought smiles to my face. Rare moments like these are cherished even when physical pain is makes it difficult. Actually listening to the joy coming out of the other room helped reduce my pain. I am so thankful for these little moments that God keeps giving me. Continue reading →
Having lost the feeling in my legs and living in pain made the thought of dancing seem impossible. My husband and I attended a Halloween party over the weekend. I was just excited and happy to be there as last year I was in the hospital recovering from one of the multiple surgeries.
As I sat next to my husband watching people come into the party dresses as various characters, I turned to find an old childhood friend. She recognized me immediately, we talked and made me smile and laugh. She vowed to get me up to dance. My fear that I was going to be unable to do so set in. How could I dance being that I walk with a walker and I can only feel my left leg? At least my pain level was fairly low at a 5.
I stood next to my husband near the seating area and moved a bit to the beat of the music. Oh, how I missed dancing and moving. After all, I was a dancer most of my life performing in various places over the years. It has been one of my the biggest losses. Loosing the use of my legs, not being able to feel or move is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. The thought of not being able to stand cheek to cheek with my husband and move slowly to the music help bring my spirit down.
Standing and moving felt amazing. It was a bit scary, but invigorating at the same time. My pain level remained low at about a 5. My friend came over and signaled, “Let’s go.” So I followed her with my walker out onto the dance floor. I began to move to the music. It felt great. I had to keep looking at my feet as without looking at them my brain has no idea where my feet are in space and I will fall over. I held on to my walker and began to move my feet and body. It was an amazing feeling. I never thought I was going to be able to do this again. But yet again, God blessed me with a special gift.
For the brief moment in time I felt great. My pain was low, my legs held me up and moved to the beat. I smiled and felt alive. I will cherish this moment as I don’t get many of them. So thankful for my blessing. Lord, thank you for all you give me. I still struggle from day to day as my pain fluctuates. I only hope that as I continue to go to physical therapy that my legs with get stronger and work better. I hope that I will move from a walker to a cane. That I may regain some mobility and self-worth. I hope that my pain level will drop so that I can enjoy more of my life. For now all I know for sure is that God continues to be with me and watch over me. He continues to help heal me. For this I am blessed.
So thankful to be alive another day. I only wish I didn’t have to live in pain all the time. Even with pain meds I can’t control the pain. Living with a spinal cord injury is not what I planned for. Nobody plans for this. Who would want to wake up everyday with a pain level of 5+? Who would want to find it difficult to even stand or walk? I realize that there are those who can’t even walk. I am thankful that I at least am able to walk with a walker and I am working on improving my ability by going to physical therapy three times a week.
Even so the questions keep coming. When is it my turn to wake up not hurting? Will I ever get a break from the pain? Will my legs ever get better? Will I ever get feeling back in my right leg? Will my proprioception ever get better? When do I get to run and play with my grandchildren or will I ever get to kick a ball with them? These are just a few of the questions that run through my head daily and sometimes several times a day.
Some days it is hard to deal with it at all. Just getting up and taking a shower takes all I have sometimes. First, just getting undressed is extremely painful. Taking my shirt off feels like the skin on my back is being sliced open by sharp pieces of foil. Next, the water that should be refreshing feels like spiked fireballs hitting my skin.Then drying off feels like being my skin being dried off by sandpaper. So you can only imagine how hard it is for me to put clothes on. I put on my Lidocaine pain patches first which is a not an easy task. I have to balance myself and use both hands to apply the patches to my back in the areas where the burning and pain come from. Often it takes several tries to get them on correctly, on days when my husband is home he helps me. This task alone causes extra pain, but eventually the patches help to reduce the pain some by numbing the area some.
I hate having to take so many medications. I take Baclofen 20 mg three times a day to help reduce the spasms in my back and legs, Gabapectin/Lyrica ( changing meds slowly), OxyContin 30 mg every 8 hrs., and Oxycodone 15 mg every 4 hrs as needed for break-through pain. I also have to take Senna 2 tabs every morning along with Miralax and Metamucil to help keep myself from getting constipated as taking all the narcotics slows my bowls done. Even so, my pain is often not controlled well. This makes life difficult and causes me not to be able to do many of the things I like to do.
Getting out with family and friends is very difficult. Most people don’t understand the amount of discomfort I am in nor do they understand how to be around me. Yes, I need help with some things but not everything. People tend to want to help by treating like I am incapable of doing anything. For example, I can walk with a walker slowly, but I don’t need to be held like I am going to fall over. I can also walk up and down stairs fairly well and don’t have be held up. But when I need to stop and rest, I need to stop and rest not be treated like I am falling over or I am about to die. What people forget is that doing as much as I can for myself is important. It helps me recover and feel a sense of accomplishment especially since I have lost the ability to do so many things. Feeling like I have value is important to recovery. I only wish those around me understood that.
My hope is that people who read this will understand that if they or someone they know is going through anything similar that they are not alone and that are others that understand what they are going through. Whether it be pain or loss of function or both, we still have value. We still want to be treated like we count not like we are fragile and incapable of contributing. Yes, we may need more time to complete a task, but give us the chance and if we need help we will ask for it.