Each morning I wake up is another day on my crazy journey, but most importantly it is a day to “keep moving forward.” Although this may be true, it often gets lost in the frustration of living with chronic illness and pain. For me it takes deliberate thoughts of hope and lots of conversations with God to keep me on the right track. It is so easy to see all the negatives which start bringing me down. If I continue to let the negative thoughts in, I find that my anxiety and depression creep up. This leads to more difficulty controlling my pain and spasticity. This is not to say that there aren’t real reasons for my increased pain and spasticity, but our minds are powerful. For example, I know that when I am over-tired or catching a cold, the spasticity in my legs is much worse, making it hard to walk because my legs feel like there are 20 lbs. weights strapped to each ankle and I am walking through thick mud. Let’s face it, when dealing with a spinal cord injury (SCI) you never know what weird thing your body is going to do next.
I have found that when my mental acuity is down it is much easier to get stressed and overwhelmed. Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial, but often illusive. For me there are several reasons. Pain being one, other times it is that I cannot regulate my body temperature, and/or it maybe I just cannot get comfortable. I eventually fall asleep but staying asleep it also difficult at times. This is extremely frustrating. I use meditation and prayer to help relax me so I can drift off to sleep. Prayer continues to help me in all aspects of my life.
Sometimes days are just crappie and other days are great even amidst the spasms and pain. Lately, I feel truly blessed because I have had some pretty good days. Yes, my pain has been out of control some nights, but I have still been able to the gym and work out on most days, take care of my family, and have spent time with my mom, my 4 amazing grandchildren, and my smart and funny nephew who calls me grandma. Being able to take the kids back to school shopping or just hang out and watch them swim helps put a smile on my face even when I hurt. I believe that God is watching over all of us and He sends little gifts that get us through.